Stand Up Rising Pt 2

                                                       
                                                             

Now that I have my  first blog post under my belt, and the crowdfunding site up. I went ahead and set up a Twitter account, and a Facebook page. I've also designed a logo for t-shirts, hoodies, and tote bags to be sold in my online store. So far I have raised zero dollars. That doesn't surprise me, because just like working out, I don't expect everything to happen on the first day. It takes time, and a ton of effort.

I posted a bunch of videos on Youtube that were just gawd awful. One survives, and can be seen here.


I've been waiting a while to get back up on stage, due to the fact that I was really jowly on camera the last time. I have been working out sporadically, and have gone from 225 to 210, so far.  I took a "before" picture, but it'll be a while before I post it with an "after" picture. Even so, I took the before picture at 210lbs. There is no way in hell I would take a topless selfie at 225. Gross.  I want to be thought of as funny, but for my wit, not my appearance.  

For my second performance, I had invited as many friends as I could, so I could have plenty of support. I wanted to include as many people as possible, but I may have invited one person too many. That person might have caused most of the people I invited not to come, due to her cootie count being ridiculously high . So from now on I'll keep the list of people I invite exclusive to just a select few. The person that repelled the others didn't show up anyway, so I won't feel bad for not including that person next time.

When I left to go to the comedy club,  this is what happened . Boise is a fucking maze of one way streets, and since I don't drive downtown much, I got lost, kind of. Then I couldn't find a parking space, so I had to park in a hotel's parking structure. I ran to the club as fast as I could, but when I got there the guy doing the sign ups informed me that I was too late. "FUCK,FUCK,FUCK!!!" I thought to myself. Then I thought "Oh well. I'll wait for my friends to show up, catch up a bit, then run home in time to catch The Savage & Starbuck show". They showed up, we all had a beer, I meet their wives, and we had a nice chat. One of the other stand ups recognized me from the last time I was there, and says "Hey I remember you, you were funny. Are you going on tonight?" I told him I was too late to sign in. He then says " Go tell him that you have 6 people with you, he'll let you on". So I did, and he does. I went on last. It was like I was the headliner, sort of. I am so thankful that my friends waited, and sat through all those other comics just to see me perform. My set could have gone better, I guess I should have rehearsed more, and actually memorized my jokes. Oh well, that's what this period in my career is for, to make mistakes, and learn from them. So I guess I'm right on schedule. Watch it here

Girlfriend is getting ready for her trip. She's tweeting from the salon. She looks beautiful.  Great, just great.


Oh well, I can't think about that right now. I'll just make myself crazy. Besides,  the main focus of this blog was to document just how many open mic nights does it take before ( if I have what it takes) I get a paying gig before my interview with The Savage & Starbuck Show, which has now been scheduled for August 13th. Co-hosted by my beloved stand up teacher, and mentor Joie Savage, author of the book The Vanilla People. Mark your calender.  The quest to meet the beautiful woman I've grown so very close to in person was going to be subtext, and I've already lost her before I really started. Then again I don't know that for certain. She hasn't even left on her trip yet. Sure, she got her hair done today, and looks really smoking hot. So what if she got new panties, and the other guy expressed excitement about it.  That doesn't mean anything. New panties are exciting, I get that.  Should I be worried? No, I shouldn't. We don't have a commitment to each other. We haven't actually met face to face yet, so there really isn't a justifiable reason to worry or be jealous.. Yet, here I sit writing this, all the while feeling like I have to throw up. I want to message her so bad, and tell her what a mistake it was for me to let her go, but I won't. I won't because she seems  really happy right now. I don't want to spoil anything for her.  I'll be cool, and hold my tongue. Nothing has  happened yet, and I might just be worried over nothing. Besides, until I get some things going I really don't have any business pursuing any woman.  I need to concentrate on my career, get my funds in order to get my reality show idea pitch shot, and blog it all here as it happens. If she gets back from her trip, and all is well, and she doesn't have a new love in her life, I will dedicate myself to getting to her as a professional stand-up comedian with his own reality show. If we meet, and everything is all peachy keen,and we mesh well in bed (I was promised sex, dammit!!!!) I'm going to propose that we make a serious commitment to each other. It's taken me my whole life to find her. I don't even want to think about the alternative. I'll jump off of that bridge when I come to it.

The reality show I speak of will actually be "real". Meaning it will be me doing open mic nights all over the country with a camera crew following me around as I interview other comics, rookies, and veterans alike, asking them why they got into stand up, what are their  influences, what was their worst experience, things to that effect. All the while I'll be pursuing my own stand-up career, and searching for that first paying gig. I won't be bidding on fake storage units, or going through peoples garages, and barns looking for junk. I'm trying my best not to disparage these shows because  I'm in contact with a gentleman who's production company will shoot the sizzle reel needed to shop to all the networks. His company represents most of the reality shows we see on T.V. now.  There won't be anything that's "set up". If I kill, or bomb on stage, it'll be real. My triumph, or my shame will be genuine for all to see.

Sweet! I wrote the previous paragraphs yesterday, I am, at this very moment, messaging with Girlfriend as I write this, and she has just given me some encouraging news. It gives me a slim glimmer of hope. It looks like her, and the other guy will be too busy to "connect" while they are on their individual trips to the same city. Yes! She revealed this bit of news to me after I did something I had resisted doing. Ya see, I don't want to seem like a jealous douche, which is exceedingly difficult, due to the fact that I am a jealous douche. What I did was, in a joking way, tell her that I was worried about guys hitting on her while she's on her trip. Sure, I was joking, but I am worried about guys hitting on her. She's very hot, and every guy that sees her is going to undress her with his pervy eyes. Then try to chat her up to see if they can make that happen.  I just know it.
Girlfriend is on the plane, and I'm about to puke. On the positive side, this should help with my weight loss plan.

Ahhh!  As I write this, I'm also keeping an eye on Girlfriends tweets. Yes, I know it's creepy, but with each of her tweets I feel a huge wave of relief wash over me. If she's posting updates, that means she's in her hotel room dicking around with her phone. Also, as an added bonus, the window of time that her and the other guy can meet is slowly closing. Fine! I'll admit it. I'm a jealous douche. Guilty. Ya got me.


Yeah, worrying about something I can do absolutely nothing about is a great use of my time.    Isn't it?  What I can do is list what I've accomplished so far. Hmm, accomplished seems kind of strong. Let's just list what I have done, and what I have done is recorded two performances, started this blog, set up the crowdfunding site, set up an online store, monetized my Youtube account, started a blog talk radio account (needs setting up), and set up a Facebook page (please give it a "like"), and set up a Twitter account (please follow me).  Okay, after writing it all out it might seem like I've accomplished something,  but I know that I'm only scratching the surface of what still needs to be done.  Keep in mind I have no idea what I'm doing, this is all uncharted territory, and I'm going in blind without a paddle.

As for the crowdfunding site, I've brought down the amount I'm trying to raise to $10000 for expedience sake. 20 grand was a bit much to ask for, but I thought "What the hell, why not?". I see now that if I'm going to do this, I'd better do it on the cheap. Stand ups starting out don't have the resources that I'll have access to. That might cause a bit of resentment

Monitoring Girlfriends tweets isn't making me feel creepy at all.  I'm going to try not to worry for the rest of her trip. Well, I'd like to not worry while she's still on her trip. Wow, does this ever suck. Oh well, she'll be home in a couple of days. I'll just wait for her to contact me. I desperately need to talk to her before I can write anything else. Wish me luck.

                                                               

Greetings, I'm Glen "The Incredible" Holt. I call myself Glen "The Incredible" Holt because I am not to be believed, and to distinguish myself. I've Googled the name "Glen Holt", and wow, there sure are a lot of them. I added "The Incredible" to my name because I'm not a black quarterback, and I wasn't married to Annette Funicello. Those are the top Google searches. I'm there, but just barely. I'm starting here, because it's now, and the best time to start anything, is right now.  I'm a stand up comedian. As a stand up comedian, everything that happens on stage is a result of my efforts alone. If I get laughs, it's because I did well. If I don't, it's because I messed up. Usually by drinking too much before going on stage. My last performance went well despite the fact that I drank too much.  It was fortunate that I remembered the material that I did. I had an entirely different set I was going to do, but by the time I was introduced, I had  four rum and cokes. My set went well, and I uploaded my performance on Youtube.

I met my "girlfriend" when I quit smoking last year. I had friended her on Facebook a week or so before I attempted it. She kept leaving encouraging comments on my progress posts, and I kept flirting with her. Eventually, I started sending her private messages, and she messaged me back.  Before we knew it, we were chatting every day, and having so-called "Cyber Sex". I thought I had dirty mind. and a creative bent for writing sexy stories, but she puts me to shame. So naturally, our attraction for each other increased to a sickening degree. She lives 2000 miles away, and the other side to this blog was going to be my progress with my efforts to meet her in person. Around that same time I started listening to a podcast hosted by my beloved stand-up teacher, and mentor, Joie Savage, author of ""The Vanilla People host and star of The Savage & Starbuck Show. After listening to a few shows, I sent friend request to her co-host Starbuck. Then I started chatting with her. She found me so funny that she asked me if I would like to be scheduled as a guest on the show. I thought to myself "Yes! What a great opportunity!!", then I realized "Oh shit, I have nothing to show for my stand up career.". That's when I began to actively pursue comedy with a renewed vigor, because I, like a dumbass, agreed to do the interview. So now I have to become a professional stand up comedian, and meet my long distance girlfriend in person before my interview sometime after July. No pressure there, huh?
 Also, I plan to create a sizzle reel (a pilot episode, kinda) for a reality show, documenting my "Stand Up Rising", and my trek across the country, performing at various clubs open mic nights, and exploring that town/regions comedy scene. Interviewing the local comedians, and the ones on tour who happen to be in the area. Asking them questions about their career, how they started,and why.  I'm in contact with a company in L.A. that handles most of the reality shows we see on T.V., that will shoot the sizzle reel, and shop it to the networks with me.  What I'm attempting do isn't going to be cheap, and that's why I've started a crowdfunding site.  Here  I'm trying to raise $20000.  Yes twenty thousand dollars, but I'm going to try to simplify the process and just ask for 10 clubs to donate 2000 each, I will try to get their clubs featured on the show.  I have no idea if that's even possible, as this is all uncharted territory for me. I'm asking for that much because I want the big daddy sizzle package, and I'll need a few days there to shoot it. Also, there could be a bunch of crap that could present itself that I don't see right now, and that could get expensive. I just want to cover my ass.  Don't get me wrong, I wont turn down ANY donation. If you donate 2000 to my cause, I'll perform in your living room. I'll perform at a backyard kegger. Whatever. Imagine, you, your friends, and family having your party broadcast on T.V.. That will give you bragging rights for years.

I'm not just asking for funding, I'm also offering Merchandise, in the form of t-shirts and hoodies, or whatever you may like. Just click on the "other styles" button.

I've written what I consider to be funny material that I was submitting it to a writing site. One piece I wrote was so funny, it got me banned . Mainly because the site was populated by bored hausfraus who would write about their grand kids, or what they had for lunch, and Asians that would copy and paste stories, and present it as their own work. Not one of those idiots understood my humor. Well, that's not true. There were a couple of people that thought that my stuff was funny as hell. The story that got me banned, was about my feelings about pubic hair on women, and why I love it.  The post itself wasn't offensive at all. Clearly, the complainers never took the time to read it. If they had I would still be writing for the site. As far as I know anyway. I probably would have been banned at some point, because my posts were getting edgier with each writing. I was deliberately trying to be provocative. I guess I succeeded.

Now I'm going to blog my efforts, and post my performances on Youtube. I've monetized the account because I don't want to be a comedy whore, and give it away. I want to make money at it, and be a comedy prostitute.

"How does one go about making the leap from comedy whore to comedy prostitute?"  you may ask. Or, you might not.  If you do find yourself asking that question, you should probably ask someone else. I have no idea, and every person I've asked won't tell me  (I'll just bet the situation would be different if I were being followed by a camera crew). If I did know, I'd tell you. What I'll do instead is find out how it's done, then I'll tell you. The only thing I ask for in return, is for you to take the time to read this blog, and watch the videos I post.  I can't  promise that I can tell you how to become a professional working stand-up comedian, but I will tell you how I went about doing it. That way you can use the information as you see fit.  I'm not planning on it, but I might make a few mistakes along the way.

Well fuck. Half the point of this blog was to document my efforts to meet my "girlfriend" in person. To record my noble quest to win the hand of my lady fair, but I don't think that's going to happen now. It's too soon to say at the moment, as certain events are about to unfold that I can't talk about. The truly shitty thing about the whole situation is that it's really interesting, and something that might actually hold your attention. Girlfriend has met someone else, and this guy has it all over on me.

 In other words, he has a job. I only have a deal (sort of) that I'm working on (reality show). To recap, he has a job, and I don't.  I just need to get my ass busy (raise money) on this end before things can move forward.  It's not a large amount, but it's more than I have or can raise very quickly. I've been resistant to crowdfunding sites, because it seems too much like begging. But now, I'm  sufficiently humble enough, and motivated enough to do just that. So, to get my particular project (reality show) going, I'm going to set up a crowdsourcing account, and beg my ass off (hint,hint)

The reason my girlfriend, and I are not an "item" is my fault entirely. I let a couple of setbacks take the wind out of my sails, and I sank into a mild depression followed by a bout of sitting on my ass doing nothing. I wanted to update this blog on a weekly basis, but start out with six or more entries with a performance to accompany each one. Living in Idaho, the first three months of the year are just shit weather wise, so I didn't want to go out to do the open mic nights, also I wasn't working, so I really couldn't afford the gas to go perform.  Also, I pissed away a great opportunity, and in doing so, I might have ruined things with the local comedy crowd. Nothing was happening, and it looked like nothing was going to happen due to my depression,  apathy, and shame. We Skyped , and  had a long discussion, and agreed to keep the friendship, but drop the romantic aspect of it, or at least slow down and give it rest for a bit. Like the fucking dumbass that I am, I agreed instead of growing a pair, and doing what I needed to do. I was at first relieved. The pressure to get to her before my 7 month deadline was now gone, and we were occupying too much of each others time. Neither one of us was getting anything done in our lives when we desperately needed to. Letting go of the romantic component of our relationship seemed like a good idea at the time.  I will regret that descsion for the rest of my life.

In the months leading up to our what you could call a breakup, she had been chatting with the other guy, and being flirty. I just figured she made a new friend. She's really hot, and all kinds of guys compete for her attention. So I didn't think too much of it. Not until later, when I noticed all of the comments between them had increased a couple of weeks after our "breakup". If they have the kinds of conversations that she and I had, well thinking of that just makes me want to bust out crying. But then I'm forced to remind myself that I made this particular shit sandwich, and I'm the one that has to eat it. The sooner I eat it the better, as we all know shit doesn't get better with age. While I can't let myself be bitter about the situation, I can sure as hell regret it. And I do. As she is one of the sweetest, smartest people I have ever had the privilege to know. As if that weren't enough, she is a smoking hot little spicy number. I was really looking forward to sex with her in person, and not just over a Skype call.  Does she have Skype sex with him now? Do I really want to know the answer to that? Uh, no. No I don't. The "wrong" answer would make me cry like a little bitch.
Aw fuck it. The events about to unfold that I wasn't going to talk about, I'm going to talk about. Fate has conspired against me, and seems to be bringing them together in the same place, at the same time. Fate is a BITCHCUNTWHORE!!!!!!!

If something happens between them, and I get a kiss off message. I'll be cool about it, and wish them well. Like I have a choice. Still, I will truly wish them every happiness possible. If the life they have together is half as good as the life she and I had planned, they'll be happy beyond description. But, she hasn't left yet, they haven't met yet, and I'm probably getting way ahead of myself. Until I know for certain, I'm going to feel like I have to throw up until she gets  back, and messages me.

The true reason I worry is because  as the date of her departure draws nearer, she's been shorter and cool to me in our messages, like I've been exiled to the friend zone with no hope of escape. I don't feel the love in her words anymore. That could just be me and my paranoia, but like I said earlier, it's too soon to say. This won't be posted until after she returns from her trip, and I've started on the next post. Also, she doesn't know about my worries, and concerns. Like you, she'll read about it here. That's why I'm keeping her, and the other guy's identities a secret. My antics should only bring shame to myself.  If he wins her heart, good for him. He'll treat her well.

There's a lesson for you guys out there. Girls like guys  with jobs. The ones worth having do anyway.
So, this is what will happen with this blog. She'll get back from her trip, and tell me that they had a nice lunch, and that she had a great time. If that happens, I'm going to declare my feelings for her, and rededicate my quest to meet her in person, and document my progress. Or, I'll find out something that will make me feel like biting off my tongue, and drowning in my own blood. I won't of course, but what I will do is wish her all the best, and concentrate solely on the comedy career.  Fuck! The wait will suck ass.